안녕히 가세요

September 28th, 2023

I heard someone say that “there is no such thing as a beautiful goodbye”, but I beg to differ. Goodbye’s can be very liberating. We can say goodbye to toxic jobs, people, places, memories, and parts of ourselves that we masochistically (is that even a word?) held onto. Even though, a goodbye can definitely be painful, traumatic, and even life altering…it shouldn’t be the only way we interpret it. The sensation that you feel as the weight of that burden you are letting go of just falls off of you when you decide to say goodbye can be exhilarating. It can turn you into a whole new person.

 The day that I finally realized, after so many damn years, that I was enough and that I needed to love myself, felt like I was re-born. At first, I was in disbelief at that crap that I had put up with and couldn’t believe I let someone “brainwash” me into thinking so little of myself (self-esteem is important, people!). They had chipped away at me until there was barely anything left. They drained my soul. The internal screams within me were so loud, but all I could do was smile on the outside and answer “I’m okay” every time I was asked how I was doing. It felt like a tiny, stinging cut to the skin each time. With the help of people I am close to, I decided it was time to say goodbye. The mind is truly a powerful thing. The hardest part has been learning to re-program it. It still feels like I’m in survival mode. I don’t know if I can say that I am completely healed, but I have definitely come a long way.

 My confidence and self-esteem took a boost, however, this also made me realize that the things I may have wanted before, I didn’t necessarily want anymore. People that I had felt close to, felt unfamiliar now. Was it because I only connected with them through the chaos? Was it my sadness and need for validation that brought us close? Now that I no longer felt the way I did, I don’t know what to do with them.  What place do they have in my life now? What role would they play? Kinda crappy to put it that way, but I’m just being honest. With my new outlook also came these new feelings I am sorting out and navigating through, but even with all the new worries, the goodbye was more than worth it.

Insatiable Me <3

The Pursuit of Satiation

October 31st, 2023

Is this what my life will consist of? Constantly on a path  towards satiation? Towards filling an unknown void? If so, how will I know when I reach my goal if I am never satiated for long? Do you now understand what my conflict is? So many questions, which can all generate so many different answers. My mind is constantly going in a million directions, it's hard to focus on one specific thing. All of this would often make my mind feel like it's in a constant state of solitary confinement. The silent struggle is deafening. Que sera de mi?  However, never being satiated has become my incessant companion. Never allowing me to feel….lonely. 어떻게? When I am perpetually moving on to the next thing.

My pursuit of being satiated and being happy go hand in hand. I believe for me, it's one and the same. Happiness can mean very different things to different people. There is no universal answer to what happiness is. Perhaps, I am destined to find happiness in the various ways that I try to reach the feeling fulfillment. I realized that, for the most part, I've always gotten what I wanted, but not what I needed. Makes sense? Maybe that’s why I'm never satiated for long. It's what I would imagine being wealthy would be like for me. All these materialistic things, but nothing of substance. Nothing of emotional or sentimental value. Nothing that would hurt my soul if I were to lose it. Now that I think of it, maybe that's something I am afraid of. Having something to lose. Is that why I am so "detached"? I was recently told that I am a bit too nonchalant. Could this be why? I used to be a bit clingy when I was younger, but over the years, life has taught me to let go, a little too easy. I believe if someone wants to go, check out, no longer wants to continue a relationship, sueltalo, let them go. I, personally, don’t have any fight left in me to beg anyone to stay. My energy is being conserved for the things that I am in pursuit of. My best friend told me that I give up too easily and I stated that I believe I just haven't met anyone truly worth fighting for. It may be the universe's way of saving me for someone special in the future….or saving the world from me lol. Either way, it's trying to save someone!

I've heard people say that some people become drug addicts because they're always chasing the feeling of that first high. Well, for me, constantly pursuing new things gives me that "first high" feeling. It's almost devastating when you're coming down from that high and you know its going to be time to pursue something new. It's a vicious cycle. The pursuit of satiation has its claws so deep in me that I can taste the unknown. And it's my favorite flavor.

Insatiable Me <3