January 30th, 2023

Blogging. Never thought I’d be doing it, but here I am somehow trying to find the words (and yes, there will be lots of grammatical errors) to express the excitement I am currently feeling. Excitement? Not sure if that’s the proper word, but it’s the best I can come up with to explain how I have been recently feeling….for now. Not sure how long its going to last. See, for as long as I can remember, nothing has really “fulfilled” me or satisfied me for long. There have been things I have wanted to do, places I have wanted to visit, people I have wanted to see or be with and once I got what I wanted, poof, the feeling disappeared. It sucks. To feel like I’ll live my whole life desperately wanting something and knowing that once I get it it wont be long until I am on to the next. I cant be the only one who is like this. Right?

I decided to start writing about this because I have overheard comments from strangers, seen it on the television, and even my own mother has said it to me. “You get bored very quickly.” Is it boredom, though? To me, it feels like this immense feeling of never feeling satiated. In every which way possible. I am currently stuck living in the good ‘ol state of Florida (that’s a story for another day) and have been thinking about where can I move to next, after being here since 2014 (yes, I am an original New Yorker who now lives in FL, feels like that’s most people who live here). The thing is I decided to have kids and (for those of you who didn’t know) those humans who solely depend on you, need this huge thing called stability (cringe)! I cant just pick up and leave every time I get bored or have had my fill of the place I live in.

Also, mid-thirties here (cringe again!), you would think I would have settled down by now and have gotten it out of my system. Maybe I work backwards. I tried to settle back in my 20’s (didn’t work out, obviously) and now I have this gnawing desire to do what makes me happy while trying to consider the kids that didn’t ask to be brought into this world. Tough job. I am aware my words will come off as selfish, cruel (or *insert any other negative adjective here*), but I am just trying to be as honest as possible. Don’t kill the messenger, in this case, moi.

So, until next time, I’ll leave you with a quick intro about me. I am a 5’5 (or 5’4 ¾, depending on who you ask), Latina woman (born to Dominican parents) who was born and raised in NY, Air Force vet (by definition…yea, another story), a mother (and cat mom) and a single woman working from home as a claims examiner. Ha! take that! I invite you to ride this wave (no, I cant swim) with me and if you cant relate, then I atleast hope you can get a good laugh.

 Insatiable Me <3

Inner Battles

February 5th, 2023

Finding some sort of purpose in life seems to be my current obsession. I honestly feel like I’m aimlessly existing (if that even makes sense). No sense of direction. Just there. I am known to act on impulse and have made plenty of not so great decisions because of that. In finding this “purpose”, I also have to be cautious not to repeat these mistakes. Ugh, being cautious sounds so….restricted. It feels like I have to tip-toe around things and I definitely do not like that. So, what to do?

Resentment has been slowing building inside me for years. Towards no one in particular, only for myself. Looking back, I cant blame anyone for any of the decisions I have made. Yes, some people have made me feel things that have pushed me in the direction to make a certain choice, but in the end, it was my choice, right? Constantly regretting my decisions while also trying to be the person I’ve always wanted to be has not been an easy battle. And let’s not forget that I can also be a highly emotional person who mostly makes decisions with her heart before her mind (disasterous thus far). Before, when I would love, I would love hard. That would apply to friends, family, lovers, hobbies, work, and anything that I would really want. Over the course of the years and plenty of life experiences, that has definitely been diluted. I am a bit more wary now.

Along with the weakened feeling of love, my appetite for life has also diminished. Nothing had seemed exciting anymore. Nothing peaked my interests, had me feeling flutters in my stomach, or gave me that wide-eyed-doe look. I live for that rush. Those very brief moments of excitement from job promotions, my kids’ achievements, reading a new book, watching a new show, talking to new people…have not been enough to keep me going. Again, making me feel guilty, resentful, and alienated. Will I ever be satisfied with life? Or will I always be wanting more? Is that a bad thing? Does that make me selfish, greedy, and ungrateful?

I would like to believe that I have lived my life as a decent human being. Those that know me are aware that I would drop anything to be there for them in a heartbeat, but I always carry this guilt of knowing I should be a better friend. Sometimes, I let this “funk” stop me from doing things that I know I am capable of doing. I get stuck in my own head. Which was another reason why I decided to start writing. Maybe, putting all these thoughts into words will help me realize what I need to do to process these feelings that have made me a prisoner in my own head. Far fetched?? Let’s hope not…for the sake of humanity! Just kidding…

Insatiable Me <3