June 7th, 2023

In the last few weeks, I have started to learn a new language, registered to start school, witnessed my girls move on to the next grade, lost an elderly loved one, leveled up (in age), and taken an impromptu day trip. Yea, I’m a bit exhausted. It has definitely been a ride these last few weeks, filled with joy, pride, laughter and tears. Most of the emotions that I experience daily (let my Gemini self be!). My mind has been racing in so many directions. I am so anxious and excited to start something new in my life, but I am also starting to feel the pressure of making sure I stick to it, before I even begin (yea, that’s another bad habit). I am working on it, I swear!

On this impromptu day trip, I was visiting some family, after laying my great-grandfather to rest, and we decided to take a road trip. After reaching our destination, having dinner and some (much needed) drinks, we started to drive back. On our way back to my aunt’s house, it was really dark and we were driving over a long bridge, over the ocean. The only thing you can see was the moon reflecting on the water. It was seriously an amazing sight. In that moment, I realized that even though life may throw a few curve balls at us, it can be truly beautiful. The world, even with its cruelty, can show us wonderful things. I was in awe. It had been a while since something caught my attention that way. We tend to forget that through the sadness, loneliness, pain and sorrow…there are slithers of beauty.

We focus so much on what we are feeling in the moment that we can forget that “this too shall pass”. And it really will! Nothing last forever (including the good), so we should really try to not let the negative consume us (i am definitely guilty of this). Give yourself time to feel whatever it is that you are going through…and then move on. I wasted so many years of my life allowing my pain to drown me, over and over, and I wish I would’ve focused on the small moments of joy and happiness…it could have made the pain of drowning more bearable.

So, next time you are so deep in what you are feeling, to the point where you feel it in your chest…take a deep breath. Try picking up a book and getting lost in its pages, going outside to change the scenery, listening to music and the intricate ways the beats and vocals blend together, do something out of your comfort zone. Open your mind and search for that miniscule drop of hope, relief….its’s there.

Insatiable Me <3

My Biggest Hater is...Me?

July 24th, 2023

Over the last few years, I have been healing from past emotional and mental abuse. Abuse that I was blaming on a particular person, but then started to feel like I was also to blame. 'If only I wasn't so weak minded', 'I should have known better', 'Why did I allow this to happen?' Some of the many thoughts that I constantly battle with. I've been told a couple of times that I am my own biggest enemy. They're right. It seems that when life has knocked me down, I was right there, lending a hand. Literally, helping it take me to lowest of the lowest depths that I would have never thought were possible to reach.

However, I have realized my worth, I've paid a drastic price for it. Instead of trying to get back the person I used to be, before the trauma, I am learning to become a better, more improved me. This is not always received with cheers of support, I can see the apprehension in people's eyes. I get it. They don't know if it will be a good or a bad thing. They don't know if they will like this new person. I am still trying to figure it out myself. At the end of last year, I had sunk into a deep hole. I tend to shut everyone out when I feel this way. Why burden people with things they cant help me with? After a couple of months of going through the every day motions of just existing, I was hit with a new sense of motivation (my oldest had indirectly helped) and that is the wave I have been riding ever since and I refuse to let anything or anyone take that feeling away.

For me, traditional methods don't always work. I am more of a "outside the norm" person. I have piled on way too many things onto my plate and even though there are moments that I asked myself "puede ser demasiado?", it invigorates me. The plate currently has motherhood, my full time job, self teaching a new language (I think I picked one of the hardest ones), self teaching technical skills to get into a specialized tech field, signed up to go back to school (which starts in about 3 weeks and I am totally freaking out about because I haven't been in school in over 15 years), and then the hobbies which are blogging, reading, started to roller skate again, and trying to break out of the introverted shell I have acquired over the last ten years or so*. It's hard to explain, but it's like this driving force that pushes me to move forward. It feels like a constant rush of adrenaline and I am enjoying the high.

People may frown and think "너 미쳤어?!", but I feel that my unconventional ways are working...for now. I need to indulge in this feeling while I still have it. I don't know how long it will last.

Insatiable Me <3

*Check out my TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@gizel529?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

Hunger

August 14th, 2023

Have you ever been on "beast mode"? To me, beast mode is when you are unapologetically doing what you feel like you need to do. There is no slowing down or time to think about the past or all the fuck ups. No mercy. I don't have time to sit and wallow. I don't want to think about how I royally screwed up my life and all of the missed opportunities. 왜? What's the point? What can I possibly accomplish by doing that? Besides, feeding my anxiety or developing a severe case of depression....not a damn thing. Lo hecho esta hecho. The only time I plan to look back will be to pat myself on the back.

Remember the plate I spoke about on my previous post? Well, I recently had an interesting conversation with an old friend of mine. We were catching up and just talking about what we've been doing in our lives. After I gave her a brief summary of the things I am doing, she asked "are you not planning on getting into a relationship? We are only getting older." I was bit dumbfounded. Did she not just hear everything I said I was doing? She quickly apologized (I have a hard time hiding my facial expressions) if I took any offense. She's not the first (or only) person that has asked that question, or something similar. Why is it so hard or shocking for someone to not want to be in a relationship these days? Or, is that only possible for "younger" people?" I've only given a somewhat detailed explanation for my reasoning to my close friends, but for the most part, its simply porque no quiero...y punto.

I need to focus on the feast that I have laid out before me. When I am done devouring it in its entirety, we shall see if I have room for dessert. Who knows how long will it take? What does it matter? I'm not on a timer for love and I refuse to let time dictate what I need to put aside to embrace it. 사랑이 항상 답은 아니다. There are so many other things that can make life worth it. For example, after 13 years, I recently just got a new tattoo! I was (am) so excited. I forgot how good the sting of a tattoo needle felt. Little things do matter, sometimes, even more than the big things. Like, every time I am watching a K-drama and I actually understand a word they say, I get so freakin' excited! lol Embracing little things can really make a difference for some people.

Will things always go according to plan? Of course not. I don't believe things will go perfectly. I am expecting some setbacks, but I am also aware that its part of life. Life is imperfect. I do believe that I will cross paths with whatever or whoever is meant for me. The goal for me is to accomplish the things I am setting out for myself and after consuming so much bitterness, I will allow myself to indulge in something (or someone) sweet 😉

Insatiable Me <3