February 12th, 2023

“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body is loved. And my soul understood.” I have no idea who originally said this (kudos to them), but man does it resonate with how I feel. It sums it up perfectly. Am I in search for something thats unreachable? It seems that way. Lately, I am really feeling like I need to do a “eat, pray, love” kind of thing. Just go away for a while, see something different. I feel so stuck in this little bubble and it drives me crazy to know there is a whole world out there to be explored (not that I want to explore every inch of it).

My mom has told me for years that she thinks I was a gitana (a gypsy in the sense of a nomadic person) in my past life. Mothers know best! And mine definitely seems to know me well. Its like every so often I get this itch to go somewhere new, switch jobs (even though I’ve remained stable in that department), and if my partner at that moment is giving me any sort of issues, then it makes it easier to move on from them too.

Dont get me wrong, I want love. I long for it, but I have enough in my life tying me down. I dont need something else to make me feel more… constricted. It terrifies me to think that I wont be able to do something I want to do or go somewhere I want to go because of someone else. I know that people would say that its because I havent found the right person who wouldnt make me feel that way, but I dont know if I want to risk it. There are hearts involved.

Its no wonder my life, along with my anxiety, is a pretty wild rollercoaster. I really do try to extend the moments of calmness, but its like after a while, this other person starts trying to break loose. I dont know much about astrology, but I keep hearing its the gemini in me, *shoulder shrug*. Whatever it is tends to take control over my life and I am only able to “tame the beast” for so long. Right now, that beast is really persistent. Its like I have a little voice in my ear telling me to go. “Just do it!” Unfortunately, it will take a lot more planning than just buying a plane ticket. For now, I gave myself a set amount of time to “sleep on it” and see if I still feel the same way when the time comes. Oh, the excitement that fills me with just the thought about it possibly happening! See what I mean? Can I resist?! We shall see…

Insatiable Me <3

Honestly??

February 19th, 2023

I have recently realized how easy it is to be honest with anyone, but yourself. I think that for so long, I have lived or have acted in a certain way to please other people. I have probably held back from saying certain things in order to spare someone's feelings. Who hasn't? But, I believe its deeper than that. I have sort of tricked myself into believing that I was this person who I thought people wanted me to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm not some evil, cynical person, but I think I was afraid to truly be myself for fear of judgment. After all these years, I can honestly care less.

The world has become such an unpredictable, tumultuous place. Friends and loved ones are here one moment and gone the next. Who have I been living for? Ever since I entered my 30's, every year has felt like some sort of countdown. Every year, feels sadder. Around my birthday, I tend to ask myself, 'what have I done with my life?'...ehh, not much. I need to change that. I want to live. I want to make memories, experience things. Besides, the realities of my life that hold me back, I believe it has also been the fear of judgment. Again, am I living for them or me? I cant pay my bills with the way people feel I should live my life, so why let it hold me back?

You only get to live this life once, so why not live it to the fullest? Yea, its easier said than done, but I am determined to make it happen (atleast, to some capacity). In learning to become honest with myself, what I realized was...(ready?) I am an unpredictable, moody, sarcastic, person who hates routine, repetition and confinement (which has also helped me keep a clean record because I would not be able to do any jail time). Bonus: I am also inconsistent and indecisive. Whew! I feel a bit better. So, that's me, in a nutshell. However, for most of these amazing traits, I also have great counterparts (I will tell you all about those on another day), I swear!

I wasted so many years of my life trying so hard not to be this way, but why? None of those characteristics have ever drove me to physically hurt anyone or commit any crimes. It has been somewhat liberating to finally be ok with who I am. There are so many people who are in similar positions, I truly hope one day, you can also ascertain the feeling of who you really are. You owe it...to yourself.

Insatiable Me <3

Realization...whoa!

April 16th, 2023

I definitely want to update this blog on a monthly basis (my life is not that interesting) so pardon me for the pause in between posts. During this time, I made a decision and came to a realization. As far as the decision, I wont go into too much detail right now, but I will say that I stopped feeling sorry for all the years of my life that I have wasted and decided to not let "age" hold me back. When it comes to the realization, it wasn't something that just hit me out of the blue, it was more like a ticking time bomb, tick...tick...tick....BOOM! I don't want a relationship.

Let me explain. Besides the fact that I make horrible (life altering) choices when it comes to men, I acknowledged that I can be an indecisive person. I may like you today and wake up and not like you tomorrow. Terrible, I know. I don't want to play with anyone's heart like that. Also, I don't want anyone holding me back from my new course of action. I don't want to have to take anyone's feelings into consideration when it comes to my own life decisions. I want to get to where I will get in life on my own. I understand now that I am just not ready to share me.

With this realization, I am also aware that I can end up alone. For once, that thought does not scare me. I had this fascination of finding the right person and sharing all these life goals with them, it was ruining my life. Being alone does not mean you are lonely. It does not have to be a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I am not closing myself off to welcoming love or a partner in the future, I am just not looking or entertaining it for now. I want to reach the goals that I have set for myself on my own and when the time comes for a relationship if I find someone, great, if not, that will also be great. I want to achieve a happiness of self fulfillment. It's become a priority. I am learning to satiate myself with things like spending time with family, friends, new hobbies, and working out. Keeping busy during these new challenges is what I feel will work for me. Fingers crossed!

Insatiable Me <3